I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
