Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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