I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
