I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
