Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
