To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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