dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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