My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
