im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
