That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Less talking, more tequila
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
