um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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