cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
