i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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