New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize