he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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