She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
