Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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