i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
