forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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