I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
