I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
