new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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