my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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