so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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