dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
