He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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