I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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