smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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