Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Randomize
