dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
