who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
