who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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