guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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