How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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