my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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