My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
