Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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