How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
