Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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