You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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