so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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