We're facebook friends in real life
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
