So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
