I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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