WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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