I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
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