but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
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Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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