Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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