I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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