i need an iv and a liver transplant
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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