You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
