it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
