how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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