i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
