as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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